Relinquishing the need to save others

It is the human condition to want to help. It is kind and proper to do your best to be good to others. It is in everyone’s best interest. – Or, is it?

Helping others helps our humanity. We feel good when we truly perform gestures of kindness. The problem comes in when that kindness is taken advantage of. When you end up with certain individuals in your life that come to expect you to constantly help. They can begin to cross that line from needing an occasional favor to needing and worse expecting you to be there at the drop of the hat every time something goes wrong.

You become their lifeline, their knight in shining armor.

It can be time-consuming, emotionally draining, physically draining, and even push the limits of their life taking time away from and precedence over your own. Learning to say “no” becomes vital to your own wellbeing. The problem is that with these types of friendships or relationships along with saying “no”, often comes guilt. You want the best for that person and it was in your realm of possibility to help them (again). But this time you didn’t. How do you justify that? – Not to them, but to yourself.

It is important to think about things from a different perspective. When it is all about them, yes the perspective is “feel bad” “you should have helped”. But in reality how good of a friend is that person being to you by expecting you to help take care of their life issues all of the time? Is that kind on their part, is it thoughtful, does it take into account your feelings?

The answer is No.

The best way to keep balance in any friendship or relationship is to establish balance and boundaries. When it’s all give and no take on one side the energy and the friendship are not balanced. Constantly trying to save someone, no matter how much you love them not only wears you out, it actually disempowers that person.

If you need to regain some balance back in your life Monarch Wellness can help. We offer a wide array of classes and one on one sessions. Please visit www.monarchwellness.net to learn more or schedule.

Originally posted: http://monarchwellness.net/2017/03/relinquishing-the-need-to-save-others/

Advertisements

Don’t Just Deal with Stress – Eliminate it!

In a world filled with alarm clocks, rush hour traffic, deadlines that must be met, bills to pay and mouths to feed – multitasking, sleep deprivation and stress have become the norm.

Everyone has “one of those days” once in a while. But when stress invades and takes over your world becoming a way of life something needs to change. The human body was not meant to operate on coffee and adrenaline on a daily basis. This type of fast pace high-pressure lifestyle takes its toll on your health, your emotional and spiritual well-being as well as your relationships.

What is stress? – Stress is any physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes the body mentally or physically to be in a state of unrest. But what can you do about it? Quite a bit it turns out! I am going out on a limb to make a controversial and shocking statement. Here goes…are you ready? YOU are creating your life. Pure and simple. Because of this, YOU are the only one who can change it and free yourself from this crazy pace that is taking a toll on your very existence.

“What? No, you just don’t understand” you may think to yourself… “It’s not MY fault, it can’t be. I am not the one causing me all this stress it’s my boss, husband, kids, mother in law, insert another possible scapegoat here____.”

While it is true that you cannot control anyone else’s actions, what you can control is your reaction to them.

The first step in eliminating stress from your life on a permanent basis is to start with the basic concept that you are in fact 100% responsible for your life.  Once you do that, you can see clearly what (and sometimes who) is not in your best interest to keep. We know this is a big step for some, but by doing this you not only take responsibility you take back control.

Step two is changing your outlook. What is it that we all want out of life? A new car? A nice house? A vacation to Tahiti? Well, sure. We all like those things. But why? What is at the core of wanting these material items and experiences?

It’s happiness, joy, relaxation, and excitement! I think we can all agree that what we all want most is simple. We want to feel good.

Here are a couple of exercises to help:

When you wake up first thing in the morning jump out of bed and declare out loud “Today is going to be a fantastic day!” You may feel like a complete buffoon doing this at first, and even like you are lying to yourself. It’s ok to feel silly, humor us and do it anyway. Your subconscious hears you and cannot differentiate between the truth and a lie, it believes everything you say to be truth and so accepts it as fact. Believe your day will be fantastic and it will be.

Another very helpful idea is to make a Gratitude List. Any piece of paper will do, just write down everything you have in your life that you feel grateful for. You will be amazed at how much actually ends up on your list. The more you focus on the positive, the more positive you will draw into your life. And in turn, the better you will feel overall!

Some of us start from such a chaotic low place it’s not easy for us to shift to feeling good. Ok, we get that, your goal should be to just feel as good as you can right now. Do something nice for yourself. Take a “me” moment. Go for a walk, have a coffee, just let the world fall away for a minute and allow yourself to be at the center of your world and really be in present time. After all, if you don’t take the time and care for yourself, who will?

Changing the way that you think is no easy task. It takes practice, for the mind is like a child with attention deficit disorder. It runs amuck from thought to thought, making order and serenity difficult at best. Meditation is a good way to practice quieting the mind. Take some time out without distractions and turn on some calm soothing music and just “be” in the stillness. Allow your mind to wander but with the focused intent of being calm and clear and just breathe. With time and practice, you will be able to clear your mind of all thought and you will achieve a serene feeling that will stay with you.

In recent years we have been conditioned in the workplace that in order to succeed we have to do a million things at once and do them correctly. That is a lot of pressure! This is in fact, is not what successful people do. Successful people do one thing at a time with intent and with focus. They use a to-do list not on the computer or on a palm pilot but on good old fashioned paper with a pen or pencil, scratching things off and moving along. Why? Because it’s tactile. It becomes more easily engrained in your mind making it easier to remember.

In order to lead a low-stress existence, let’s summarize:

  1. Take responsibility for your life. By doing so you take back control.
  1. Change our outlook, the old saying “fake it till you make it” is more than true. It’s very difficult to be sad when your face is smiling.
  1. Clear your life of things that stress you out – if you don’t like your job –get another one. The same is to be said for personal relationships – if they are beyond repair, love the other person enough and yourself enough to appreciate it for what it was and what you have learned from them and let it go.
  1. Take time for yourself – be nice to yourself. You are important!
  2. Clear your mind and allow peace to become a part of your daily life and realize that you deserve it.
  1. Organize – When everything is in its proper place it brings balance to both the heart and mind.
  1. Just breathe – oxygen is very important for the body and most of us breathe way too shallowly. Make sure to breathe from your diaphragm – your shoulders should remain still.

Stress is a top cause of many illnesses as it manifests itself in the body in numerous ways – high blood pressure, anxiety, heart attacks, headache, cancer, depression and many others. Taking steps today to simplify and distress your life could save your health and your life tomorrow.

For classes and one on one sessions that can help alleviate stress and help you relax and gain balance back in your life, visit Monarch Wellness www.monarchwellness.net.

Originally Posted: http://monarchwellness.net/2017/02/stress/

Letting go of toxic people

Releasing people from your life who are not good for you is a vital piece in being a well balanced happy emotionally healthy person. It is, however, not easy on any level a lot of the time.

How do you determine if someone is toxic to your life?

  • Toxic people create chaos in other people’s lives on a pretty consistent basis
  • They expect that you will deal with their drama without question – their problems are your problems
  • Your life gets put on the back burner in order to try and help them
  • They seem to switch from loving to angry easily and seemingly without reason. They are very unpredictable
  • Toxic people are manipulative. Their desired outcome is what matters to them
  • They refuse or are unable to admit responsibility for things that go wrong in their lives, always blaming others
  • They make you prove yourself to them over and over ie. “If you loved me… If you were really my friend…”
  • They never or rarely apologize even when blatantly wrong OR they do so in order to manipulate and continue right on with the same behavior anyway
  • They expect you to be there for every crisis but when you need them, the support isn’t available
  • Toxic people tend to exaggerate and draw you in
  • They are only supportive of you when it fits their own agenda

None of this is to say that these people do not love you in their own way or that you do not love them. Love, however, is not a valid reason to trap yourself in an emotionally draining or even abusive relationship or friendship.

We often mean to help these toxic friends or loved ones when what we are really doing is enabling the behaviors. Setting boundaries is healthy. If they do care about you, they will respect them.

Loving yourself means taking care of yourself. Sometimes taking care of yourself means saying no to other people’s drama, taking a step back and putting some distance between yourself and the other person. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you no longer love them. It means that it is time to value yourself and focus on your own life.

www.monarchwellness.net offers many groups as well as private classes and sessions to help get you focused on self-healing and wellness.

Originally Published: http://monarchwellness.net/2017/02/letting-go-of-toxic-people/