Letting go of toxic people

Releasing people from your life who are not good for you is a vital piece in being a well balanced happy emotionally healthy person. It is, however, not easy on any level a lot of the time.

How do you determine if someone is toxic to your life?

  • Toxic people create chaos in other people’s lives on a pretty consistent basis
  • They expect that you will deal with their drama without question – their problems are your problems
  • Your life gets put on the back burner in order to try and help them
  • They seem to switch from loving to angry easily and seemingly without reason. They are very unpredictable
  • Toxic people are manipulative. Their desired outcome is what matters to them
  • They refuse or are unable to admit responsibility for things that go wrong in their lives, always blaming others
  • They make you prove yourself to them over and over ie. “If you loved me… If you were really my friend…”
  • They never or rarely apologize even when blatantly wrong OR they do so in order to manipulate and continue right on with the same behavior anyway
  • They expect you to be there for every crisis but when you need them, the support isn’t available
  • Toxic people tend to exaggerate and draw you in
  • They are only supportive of you when it fits their own agenda

None of this is to say that these people do not love you in their own way or that you do not love them. Love, however, is not a valid reason to trap yourself in an emotionally draining or even abusive relationship or friendship.

We often mean to help these toxic friends or loved ones when what we are really doing is enabling the behaviors. Setting boundaries is healthy. If they do care about you, they will respect them.

Loving yourself means taking care of yourself. Sometimes taking care of yourself means saying no to other people’s drama, taking a step back and putting some distance between yourself and the other person. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you no longer love them. It means that it is time to value yourself and focus on your own life.

www.monarchwellness.net offers many groups as well as private classes and sessions to help get you focused on self-healing and wellness.

Originally Published: http://monarchwellness.net/2017/02/letting-go-of-toxic-people/

The Art of Non-Attachment

We all want the very best for friends and family. Many of us have a tendency to take on other people’s problems as if they were our own. We do it out of love, but ironically it can often lead to codependency in relationships as well as self-neglect. I speak from experience in this. My natural inclination in life has been to try and “save” the world, especially those closest to me. Unfortunately, I have found it just doesn’t work that way.

 

It is difficult to watch someone make, what you believe to be, bad decision after bad decision leading his or her life in a negative or non-progressing direction. We want to intervene, even at times – to grab them and shake them and say “what are you doing!?” and literally shove them in a better direction.

 

What we have to realize is that as much as we love or care about them that no one can make decisions for them. The only person who can rescue them… is them.

 

Why do I call Non-Attachment an art?

 

I call it an art because as easy as the concept is, it takes years, sometimes lifetimes to master.

 

It is easy to be jokingly callous and step back saying “Not my circus, not my monkeys”. But it’s heart wrenching and unnerving at times to pull back, relinquish the illusion of control, and simply allow that person and situation to be what it is and to work itself out.

Now in saying this I do not at all mean withdraw love or support.

A simple “I am still here and I love you.” Is one of the best statements of caring you can make to another person. There is no better gift than that of unconditional love. In that gift it allows the other person to know that it is ok to try – succeed or fail, you won’t think less of them and you will still be there.

 

This also allows you the mental and emotional space you need in order to take care of yourself. Getting lost in another person’s issues, regardless of love, is never healthy.

 

In order for anyone to reclaim their life and get it “Back on Track” that drive and power have to come from within. Owning responsibility for their decisions and their actions will lead them to a place of control and from that feeling of self empowerment comes both self esteem and the start of self love.

Written for: The Alberta Street News – Back on Track Column. Columnist: Sarah J. Barendse


You are more than enough

I am me and that is more than enough.

 

Every day I read things from and hear people saying that they are working, striving, dreaming of attaining and reaching for… All of that is great…

 

What’s not great is that I also see in some a distinct feeling of not currently being enough, having enough and they aren’t happy.

 

Goals are wonderful and necessary. They are prized, valued and pushed for in our society. The problem is that goals are always future oriented. What about the here and now? It isn’t possible to live in the future anymore than it’s possible to live in the past.

 

The moment you truly appreciate yourself simply for the you-ness of you and that no one else could ever fill that role in this world, valuing yourself and your uniqueness – the perspective starts to shift.

 

Success isn’t about attaining anything other than a solid inner feeling of safety, security, self-love and as a result happiness.

 

Stop

Look around

Breathe

Listen

Appreciate where you are

Appreciate who you are

Appreciate that you are


 

You aren’t your job

You aren’t the car you drive

You aren’t the people you associate with

You are you

And that is more than enough.