Cancer – Taking Your Power Back! Part 3

“Take care of yourself”. We hear it daily, but what does that really mean?

I think to each of us it means something a little different. This could very well be the most important concept that so many of us are just plain missing in our lives. Our daily lives are filled with places to go, things we feel we must do, jobs, kids, family, appointments, but what about us? What about alone time? Many of you may laugh and think, “I don’t have time for that.” Yet, if you neglect yourself and your alone time, your inner battery often starts to wear thin. You begin to feel tired, worn out, and ragged which can lead to a sense of sadness and even depression. When you get depressed life goes even further down the tubes. You don’t care to see anyone, do anything, nothing makes you happy anymore and you just want to hide in your own little self-carved out cave, which only perpetuates the morbid feeling. How long would your cell phone work if you never put it back on the charger? It’s the same concept.

By taking care of yourself first before others, even your kids, your husband or anyone else, you do not only yourself a favor, but really them as well. You want to be the best you that you can be for yourself and for them.

Doing something nice for yourself each day – these are just a few suggestions.

Taking 15-20 min every day to be still and just breathe or read a book

Take a hot bath

Go for a walk in nature

Treat yourself to your favorite food or a cup of coffee/tea you love

Get a manicure or pedicure – or both!

Take a ride in the car

Go for a bicycle ride

Walk your dog /play with your cat

Pamper yourself


Dance around the house

Call a friend and just chat

Buy yourself a treat next time you grocery shop

Meditate (you knew I was going to suggest that one didn’t you?)

And the most important one of all? This is a big one…

Saying “No” when you mean no.

This is a tough one for a lot of people. You want to say yes and make the other person happy, and happy with you. It makes you feel good but the double-edged sword on that is that it also makes you feel bad because what you actually mean is “no”. “No, I cannot do that for you right now, I am sorry.”, is what you mean but what often comes out is “ok”.

Try it. Next time someone asks you to do something and your initial gut reaction is no, say, “No.”, and just pause. Sit with it for a minute and see how you feel. My guess is you will feel a slight rush of empowerment. And taking back your power is vital for your happiness and your recovery.

THIS is where true health starts. Happy = Healthy.

People who genuinely love and care about you will accept “no” as an answer. They may not like it at first, they may be resistant to change, but ultimately if they see you are putting your best interests first in order to regain your health, they will accept it. Those who can’t or don’t are likely not truly looking out for you and could be considered toxic relationships.

I know that this seems like a harsh term but in actuality, it’s very fitting. When a relationship, whether it be a friendship, a family connection or a love connection is off balance or one-sided where it’s all give and no take or vice versa, is not healthy for either party.

What do you do? Putting yourself first is new to so many of us that it doesn’t feel natural at first. Guilt may even be associated with it when first embarking on this journey.

There is no clinical definition of a toxic relationship, although we all have some idea of what it means to have a toxic friend.  The term “toxic relationships” is useful as a sidewalk definition, says clinical psychologist Clinton W. McLemore, PhD, author of Toxic Relationships and How to Change Them: Health and Holiness and Everyday Life. “Think of a scale — from nourishing on one end to toxic on the other. A toxic relationship is with someone who continually throws you surprises or curves, keeps you off balance, raises your anxiety for no apparent reason, and leaves you feeling badly about yourself.”

Toxic relationships can cause you to become depressed or anxious, warns McLemore. Even worse, repression of emotions does lead to stress which, over time, gives way to dangerous, even life threatening, illness when not faced and dealt with. Here are some signs that a relationship may be hurting you and your health rather than helping to heal you.

1) They put you down verbally, in private or in front of others.

2) They may tell you he/she loves you but behavior shows otherwise.

3) They don’t want you to see or talk to friends or family.

4) They are jealous of the time you spend with your kids.

5) They show up often at your work unexpectedly or open your mail/email.

6) They call you often to see what you are doing.

7) You cry often or feel depressed over this relationship.

8) They think you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.

9) They prefer you to be dependant on them rather than independent.

10) He or she does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.

11) Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments or words are devalued.

12) You don’t know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive.

13) Your friends/family don’t like this person or don’t think she/he is good for you.

14) You have changed things about yourself to suit this person, even when it is not your taste.

15) You always go where they want to, like movies, restaurants, etc.

16) They make you feel afraid or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her (walking on eggshells).

17) You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.

18) Your self-esteem is lower when you are with this person.

19) You think it’s up to you to make the relationship work.

20) You keep secrets about this relationship from others who love you because they wouldn’t understand.

21) They make you feel unattractive or stupid.

22) If it’s a love relationship, they may accuse you of cheating and are overly jealous.

23) They can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next.

24) They seem really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you.

25) You can’t remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight.

These primarily were written to go with a love relationship, but can apply equally to friendships or family relationships as well. Spending time with other people should make you feel good, energized, and up lifted. If they don’t, you may want to reconsider whom you surround yourself with. Being alone is better than being with someone who brings you down.

Friendships and bonds should be mutually supportive.

Ok, yes – you agree. But now that you have identified these toxic relationships, what do you do about them? You can’t just stop talking to your mother-in- law or husband…. Can you?

Well, it is your life.  You are in charge and you can do anything you please. But before banishing them from your realm, here are a few things to try.

First – acknowledge to yourself how this relationship is affecting you. Writing helps tremendously here. Sit down and write a letter to that person telling them everything about how you are feeling and how the relationship makes you feel. You do not have to give it to them; this is for your healing, not theirs. Though, if you feel that they should read it, by all means do give it to them. Always follow your intuition and feelings.

Second – Sit and talk with them. Tell them how you feel (or give them the letter you wrote). They may be unhappy to hear this at first. Don’t berate them or start a fight, just tell plainly how you feel and let it be. It helps to use “I feel” statements rather than blame statements of “you” and “you make me feel” – as no one can actually “make” you feel or do anything and it automatically puts the other person on the defensive as they feel attacked. It will likely take some time to sink in. The most important thing here is getting these feelings out of you. Their reaction is secondary.

Third – Set boundaries. Let them know what will and will not be tolerated. Standing up for yourself is a big step in the recovery of any relationship and in your health. Along with this, stand behind the boundaries you choose. There is no cause for malice or bitterness, just state it as “what is”. It is not the same as an ultimatum. There is no choice to be made here. Treating you well is not optional. Everyone has the right to set how they are and are not willing to be treated.

Example: “I will no longer allow you to talk down to me. If this happens, I will not be able to have you around me as this is detrimental to my health both physically and emotionally.” If it does happen again, tell them clearly, “I love you, but you are crossing my boundaries and I cannot have that.” If it happens again, it is recommended to take a break from the friendship/relationship for a bit. Let them know you are serious. If they love you they will understand and, although they may not like it, eventually they respect you all the more for it.

You deserve to be around people who make you feel good – people who appreciate you as the unique entity that you are. A positive outlook and attitude are as essential as oxygen for your recovery. If they cannot accept your boundaries and continue to push you in a negative direction, it may be your only option to say good-bye for a while or possibly permanently. This is your life on the line here. A life filled with love and laughter should be the goal.

“Laughter is the best medicine”.

We have all heard the phrase, but is there more truth to it than we think? Laughter, as proven scientifically in “Humor Your Humor” by Paul McGhee, PhD. “Laughter in and of itself cannot cure cancer nor prevent cancer, but laughter as part of the full range of positive emotions including hope, love, faith, strong will to live, determination and purpose, can be a significant and indispensable aspect of the total fight for recovery.”

-Harold H. Benjamin, PhD

This is all wonderful in theory, but is there any evidence that emotions can actually have an impact on healing? Can an upbeat or depressive frame of mind, as you heal your body, influence whether or not you survive?

Multiple studies have shown that a positive attitude boosts your chances of conquering all illness. In one study, among patients with metastatic (spreading) cancers, those who expressed greater hope at the time of their diagnosis survived longer. In another study, over 400 reports of spontaneous remission of cancer were reviewed and analyzed. The patients themselves attributed their cure to a broad range of causes, but only one factor was common to all the cases – a shift toward greater hope.

One doctor linked unexpected tumor shrinkage to favorable changes in the mental state of the patient. Examples of such changes include “a sudden fortunate marriage; the experience of having one’s entire order of clergy engage in an intercessory prayer; sudden, lasting reconciliation with a long-hated mother; unexpected and enthusiastic praise and encouragement from an expert in one’s field; and the fortunate death of a decompensated alcoholic and addicted husband.”

The late Norman Cousins described a national survey of oncologists (completed during his stay at the UCLA Medical School) in his last book, “Head First: The Biology of Hope”. Of the 649 who offered their opinions on the importance of various psychological factors in fighting cancer, “More than 90% of the physicians said they attached the highest value to the attitudes of hope and optimism.”

All of this research is consistent with the findings of a recent study showing that method actors asked to generate the emotion of joy within themselves showed an increase in the number of natural killer cells circulating in the blood stream within 20 minutes. (Remember, a key role of natural killer cells is to seek out and destroy tumor cells throughout your body.) Once they got themselves out of this positive state, their levels of natural killer cells quickly dropped again. This gives credence to the old adage “fake it till ya make it.” Put on a happy face and your cells follow suit.

Laughter, in my opinion, is the highest vibrational expression of joy that we, as humans, can experience. After all, it is literal body shaking physical vibration that laughter causes. This is consistent with findings of “The Humor Your Tumor” article mentioned previously, showing that watching a funny video increases the number of, and activity of, natural killer cells.

Having a strong “will to live” has been noted by medical staff and family time and time again. Evidence of the importance of a fighting spirit was obtained in another study of survivors. Cancer patients with a strong will to overcome were most likely to be long-term survivors. Short-term survivors were more likely to show a “stoic, stiff upper lip attitude” and to continue their lives either as if nothing were different, or with a sense of helplessness or hopelessness.

The question, of course, is: how do you go about generating or sustaining hope, optimism, determination and a fighting spirit if these are not qualities you’ve shown throughout your life.

Love and your own spirituality are important sources of this hopeful and optimistic attitude. Another source is your sense of humor. It is no coincidence that so many cancer survivors credit their sense of humor for getting them through their ordeal. Humor helps overcome and work through the trials of each day and when you find a way of laughing in the midst of your problems, you automatically shift toward a frame of mind that invites a hopeful outlook and a conviction that you can beat this disease.

Spend time watching comedies, go to parks and enjoy nature, spend time with animals. Pets are fantastic and if you haven’t got a pet – consider if you are well enough, volunteering at a rescue or shelter. Those little creatures will benefit just as much from you as you do them. Even watching squirrels or feeding pigeons in the park will lift you up. Go to the theater or a comedy show. Make note of TV programs that come on that make you smile and record them all. Turn on some up beat music and sing! It doesn’t matter if you sound like Sarah Brightman or are totally tone def. One of my favorite quotes, though I do not know who said it is “I do not sing because I am happy… I am happy because I sing!” Do the action, the feeling will follow. Explore the world. Do things you have never done.

Start saying YES to life! If you are invited to go somewhere, even if you normally wouldn’t, try saying “yes”. You will be astounded at the new experiences “yes” can bring you.

We are not meant to do it alone.

Having a good strong support system around you is important as well. Having at least one person you feel that you can be your authentic self and with whom you can talk to about anything without judgment is vital. Release of emotions and thoughts is as important as taking in oxygen. Pent up emotion is how you got into this mess in the first place. This person or these people can be family, friends, therapists, clergy, even Internet friends – just as long as they really care and actually listen. Sometimes talking isn’t so easy. Sometimes chatting with people online and not face to face allows you a moment to reflect that you normally don’t experience in interactive face to face conversations. It also offers a more comfortable personal distance and a bit of anonymity. However you choose to express yourself, know that it is positive and life affirming to do so.

Live, laugh, love! This is not the end for you. It is an opportunity – the opportunity to begin again, to recreate your life the way YOU want it – starting today!

Just make it your goal to learn to find something to laugh at every day, and to take yourself a little less seriously, even as you continue to take your illness and your treatments very seriously. Life is a beautiful illusion.

I sincerely hope this information helps someone out there.


Cancer Taking Back Your Power | Part 2

From childhood, we are taught to be nice and polite and care about what others think and feel. But how many of us were taught to care about what you, yourself, think and feel? Were you taught to speak your mind, and to express yourself freely, really standing strong as your own unique and appreciated self? If you have – Fantastic! Kudos to your parents! Not enough of us have been, for sure. The good news is – it is never too late!

Many live their lives from an altruistic perspective, putting everyone else first and themselves second. Is this noble? Sure. Admirable? To many people – yes, it is but it isn’t actually a healthy way to live.

In order to truly show someone love, one must first love themselves and take care of themselves lest they use all of their energy up outwardly, wearing themselves down in the process. This type of selflessness can also lead to overstressing of the body and spirit and ultimately depression, illness, and even death.

At this point, you may be thinking that I am a selfish person. To this, I smile and say “Thank you.” Selfishness has gotten a bad rap. To be selfish means to think of one’s own needs first. The reality of it is, if you do not put yourself first, no one will. YOU are important. Let me say that again. YOU are important. Think of it in shorter scenario terms. Say you are about to be in a plane crash. What does the Airline Attendant always tell you in their little spiel before you take off? In the event of a crash, oxygen masks will drop from the compartments above your seats. Please put your oxygen mask on first before assisting other passengers. Why? Quite simply because you cannot help anyone else if you have passed out.

When people are angry with you, they often will accusingly call you selfish, intending it as an insult, when what they are really saying is that they are not pleased with your selfishness because they were trying to be selfish by making you put them first in front of you. Now they are angry because it did not work! Do you see how hypocritical this is? Yet many of us fall for it every time out of guilt.

Guilt is a useless toxic emotion in and of itself. If you know you are going to feel bad about something, the solution is simple. Don’t do it. Feeling bad and dwelling on something as an afterthought, when the action is in the past and cannot be changed, doesn’t help you or anyone else.

Negative thoughts are toxic.

I mean that very literally. They are dangerous to your emotional well being and your physical health. It is imperative that we let go of guilt as well as working on forgiveness – the forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others. Forgiveness is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  Anger, allowing it to stew and holding onto a grudge doesn’t hurt the person you are mad at, it hurts you. Forgive others not for their benefit but for yours. However, if it’s on a subconscious level, how do we access that and figure out the root cause of our particular challenge?

One of the leading and respected authors on the subject of the mind-body connection is Louise L. Hay. Her acclaimed book “Body Talk” is an unmatched investigational resource for linking specific ailments to the emotional root attachment, as well as giving life-affirming mantras to help realign the energy in a positive way, which in turn brings about healing.

In “Body Talk”, Louise gives you a virtual alphabetical listing of ailments from:

Acne – which stems from the root cause of “Not accepting the self. Dislike of the self” which makes perfect sense as to why this is an affliction during the turbulent teen years when you are just starting to know yourself and get comfortable in your own skin. To help heal the issue, the daily recommended mantra is “I am a Divine expression of life. I love and accept myself where I am right now.”

The book also delves into more dangerous manifestations like cancer, which at the soul root comes from “Deep hurt. Long-standing resentment. Deep secrets or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. A feeling of ‘what’s the use?’” The mantra to get your thoughts back on the right path according to Ms. Hay is “I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself.” I highly recommend this book as a staple in your home library collection for frequent use.

This is confirmed as well by Dr. Ryke Geerd Hamer in his book “New Medicine, and Healing Cancer & Your Mind”. He says, “Failing to take action to solve long-standing life conflicts in the inner worlds, cancer is known as the ‘butterfly disease’. Like a butterfly, the cancer patient has to struggle to break out of the ‘cocoon’ of their disease or die in the attempt. More often than not, the cancer ‘victim’ has a pattern of long-standing life problems that have been ‘eating them up inside’.

Their inability or unwillingness to effectively deal with these problems is what created the cancerous cocoon to begin with. Often, cancer is the manifestation of the person’s conflicting desires to escape the situation and to ‘keep things as they are’ because change is too scary or painful. Cancer becomes the means of escape that many take by doing nothing to stop it from leading them to a final solution.”

Once you understand these concepts it starts to become a little easier to see where one’s own thought and action patterns have played into the current dilemma. The other thing to consider is if you believe in reincarnation and pre-birth planning, you may have very well agreed to experience this illness for your own personal growth.

Illness always has a purpose. Illness is meant to propel you on a journey of the inner self that you may have not taken otherwise. When you get stuck in the day-to-day — filling your time with work, drudgery and tasks, you are often not caring for yourself properly. Your energy is not aligned with your higher self, causing split energy. This can be exhausting making you feel run down, tired, depressed and even sick. When you are in alignment, your energy body and your physical body move freely and almost effortlessly together.

When you feel “in the flow”, which is sometimes referred to as being “in right brain mode”, you may experience sensations like a feeling time has stood still, or the opposite, that time has just flown by – hence the expression “time flies when you’re having fun!” Things come easily to you and without much effort. You feel harmonious and peaceful and happy. Artists often thought to operate from the right side of the brain experience this when working on their craft. Writers are a wonderful example as well. When a writer is in the flow, the vortex, working in right brain mode, whatever you choose to call it — words come easily. Thoughts spill out on to the page with seeming effortlessness, but when they are out of alignment, they are at odds and pull against each other.  It is experienced as a “writer’s block”, a stifling of creative energy, and oftentimes frustration soon follows. The more you try and force it, the more frustrated you get. This happens with sleep as well! Nights when you cannot fall asleep, what’s happening is that you are not allowing yourself to drift off “into alignment.”

So what can you do to get into alignment?

Anything that makes you feel even just a little better is helpful. Be kind to yourself. Do things that make you feel good, that make you happy. Make time for yourself, even if it’s only a quick 15 minutes stolen away in a bubble bath.

Soothing yourself into alignment is the most important job you as a healthy happy human have!

Who is this “higher self” I keep referring to anyway? It is you, just not the physical you. It is the level of your consciousness that resides in the ether watching over you, helping to guide you (if you will listen). It is “that little voice” that we all have. It is the pure energy, pure love version of yourself and you are magnificent if you will just open up to it and allow.

This is all very interesting, but what about my cancer?

Words are powerful. Each one has a power and magic held in its vibration that is uniquely its own. For this reason, I suggest not taking ownership and calling it “my cancer”. That implies it will be making itself comfortable putting its feet up and staying a while, which it most certainly will not! “This too shall pass” is another wonderful mantra to say daily.

Monitoring your thoughts and becoming more positive takes time and practice. But your body really does respond to your thoughts so make them count and think good ones! Tell your body that you love and appreciate it. (Yes, you may feel silly, even downright stupid doing some of this at first. Just humor me.) Go stand in the mirror. Look at yourself and say “I love you. You are a wonderful body and I am thankful you are mine.” If you are really brave, do it naked.

Think to yourself. “I am healthy, I am well.” “Every day in every way I am getting better and better and better.” “Everything I eat turns to health and beauty”, and so on. If you catch yourself thinking something negative – celebrate! For that is a wonderful sign of progress. It means you are becoming aware!

Use these as opportunities and as a tool to clear old negative programming and replace it with new, fresh, better for you thoughts, when you do. Be easy on yourself. No one gets this 100% right just out of the gate.

When you notice a negative thought, simply stop. Say “Cancel, cancel, cancel” and then replace it with a more positive one. For example, if the thought crept into your mind,, “Ugh, I feel so lazy and tired.” say out loud or in your head, “cancel, cancel, cancel” and replace it with something along the lines of “Every day I have more and more energy.” After a while, you will no longer need to say or think the cancel part. It is merely a tool that helps you direct your thoughts as you can’t actually retract thoughts back in from the Universe. That would be exhausting and, quite frankly, a misdirection of focus. You can, however, correct them and make the good ones the ones that count! A positive thought is vastly more powerful than a negative one.

Visualization is another incredibly powerful tool. When you picture yourself…do not see yourself as ill. Always see yourself as well. Picture what you want, not what you currently are. You are your very own work of art, so sculpt away!

This is easier for some of us than others. Some have visual imaginations and when someone says to you, “picture this”, you see images in your mind’s eye. For others who are not naturally kinesthetically visual, this can be a frustrating task.

When we say, “see yourself as well”, you don’t get a picture in your head, so what do you do? Let’s make it a tactile and tangible thing instead. Even for those of us who can “see it”, this is a wonderful (and fun) thing to do. So go find some paper, scissors, glue and your very favorite picture of yourself where you are in a good state of health. Grab a travel magazine or Better Homes and Gardens or something of the like and a nice cold glass of lemonade or a warm steamy comforting cup of tea – whatever makes you happiest.

Sit down in your favorite spot and cut and paste the old fashioned way. First, cut your happy healthy picture of you out of its background. Now, find a picture in a magazine or pictures if you like, that represents to you happiness, health, comfort, fun and love. Choose things you would like to be surrounded by in your life. Colors, images, people, places and things that make you feel alive and the food you love to eat. Tear them from their binding and snip away! Glue or paste them on to a piece of paper, cardboard, or a canvas and put yourself, happy, right in the middle of it all. You are the star in your own life after all!

There are no rules, no right way or wrong way. Your art should be as one of a kind as you are. Once this masterpiece is finished and dry, hang it somewhere in your home where you will see it every single day. This will help you see yourself as you truly are and will be…. Well!

So far these are all conscious actions I have asked you to take, but what about the subconscious? If that is really who is running the show alongside the higher self, how do I get in touch with them? Do they have email?

While that would be lovely, it’s not quite the way it works. Although, accessing your subconscious is not as difficult as one might think. This is where meditation comes in handy.

Meditation is the silencing of the mind in order to connect with your higher self, subconscious, the Universe or God. Meditation can be done by anyone, anywhere, at any time. It just takes focus and practice. And the good news is that all you need is you.

There are varied schools of thought on specific meditation techniques, but all have the same universal elements in common.

1. Find a peaceful, quiet location where you can sit or lay unbothered or interrupted for a length of time. 15 minutes minimum and there is no maximum.

2. Pick a position you will be comfortable in for an extended length of time. It can be lying down, sitting up, or for more advanced students, even standing or walking. Please try to always keep your spine straight, as this is your major energy channel.

3. Set the mood. Candles, incense, music or sounds – anything that helps you personally relax. It is important not to have the television or radio on during this, as it is constantly advertising to you and attempting to influence your subconscious for its own gain.

4. Most importantly, set your intention to be open. Let go of the surroundings, of any distractions, and bring your focus inward. Setting your intention just means to decide in your own mind that this (fill in your intention here) is what you want/are choosing for yourself.

When you first meditate you will likely find your mind wandering. Our minds tend to be full of things we need to do, are considering, things people have said and so on. The mind is like a 3-year-old who has been given multiple shots of espresso. It’s ok, don’t let this frustrate you. Allow the thoughts to come and go and as they do, breathe deeply. Do this over and over again until you begin to feel a sense of lightness to your physical body.

There are many breathing methods that can be used. The one I feel works best is: as you begin to relax, breathe in deeply and slowly. Hold that breath as long as it is comfortable and then slowly release. Repeat this 10-20 times. Focusing on your breathing helps you have something to concentrate on besides actual words that come into your head.

When beginning to meditate, sometimes a completely clear and quiet mind seems too much of an unreachable goal. It is less daunting to start with a mantra. A mantra is a set of powerful keywords to focus on. Repeat them in your mind over and over. This helps to hold the space in your thoughts without being bombarded with your grocery list or worries about work.

Being general is a good way to begin. For example, “I allow and release all that is no longer in my best and highest interest with ease and grace.” Make sure you keep the “with ease and grace” portion in there. In this manner, things will go far more smoothly for you. Feel free to modify your own personal mantra to fit you. There are no hard and fast rules for meditation as we are all unique entities, in and of ourselves. Some things that work well for one may not be right for another and vice versa.

Music is also a wonderful way to help guide your focus. It takes you out of content and puts you into content – out of the linear and into the non-linear.  The best choices are those without actual lyrics, as words will guide your mind in a particular direction – distracting you from your own thoughts, images and impressions. Crystal bowl music, soft chanting, mellow instrumental; the choice is very much personal preference.

Guided meditations are also fantastic and highly recommended for beginners and are also beneficial for advanced meditative students as well. They take you on a journey through use of guided imagery and sound. They can be tremendously beneficial as you can choose what you would like to experience by topic and genre. It is important to choose a guide whose voice resonates comfortably with you. Having listened to several, if the person’s voice is at all irritating to you, it just won’t work as that is all you are able to focus on. Simply stop the audio, and choose another one.

It seems that most of the information out there on meditation is focused on the how. There is very little written on meditative experiences themselves and what you may encounter. So lets delve into that realm, shall we?

I’m sure that, to many, all of this seems very abstract in concept. Talking to your higher self and so forth. When it comes to intuitive endeavors, everyone experiences them a little differently. There are primarily four avenues to experience this connection through, though most people tend to be a mix of the four rather than just one singular expression.

Visual – They see pictures and colors and images in their minds eye.

Sensory – Sensory oriented people experience things by feeling them physically.

Auditory – these people may hear actual words or voices and sounds.

Clairvoyant – Clairvoyants simply have a sense of intuitively knowing. This goes for meditation as well.

As you start to meditate, set your intention for that particular session. Ask for guidance on a question or subject. Ask for healing. Ask for release. If you have a medical diagnosis or condition already such as cancer, ask for healing and for the tumor to be dissolved and leave your body easily and painlessly. You can do this out loud or quietly to yourself in your head. Whatever you are more comfortable with and feels right to you is the appropriate choice.

Consciously visualize or concentrate on the area of your body that needs healing. Picture it surrounded in a bright white healing light. Picture the tumor breaking down and being washed away. See it leaving your body. Setting your intent through meditation and visualization is much like tossing a penny into a wishing well. First, you must concentrate. Then, toss and let it go. Then just allow your mind to quiet. You will be surprised what comes up for you.

The experience:

The music plays or the guide on the audio meditation begins. As you start breathing deeply you begin to feel a lightness about you. You can feel your body starting to relax and soften. You may sometimes notice a sinking feeling as if you are floating downward within yourself. Breathing becomes easier and even your facial muscles start to relax. You may feel the first effects in the palms of your hands or the temples and crown of your head as a light tingling or pulsing.  It is very pleasant.

It is normal for these sensations to come and go throughout the meditation. Beneath your closed eyelids you may see changing colors, patterns, or even vivid images. Just let them come without judgment, analysis or question. Some will strike you as important while others will be just passing flickers like frames from a movie.

Breathe and think to yourself, “I allow. I am open.” It is likely you will feel an increase in energy as you do so.  You may also feel different sensations and there is no limit to these and what you may experience. Some examples would be feeling like water droplets are falling on you, hands touching you, feeling like you are weightless, or being lifted. You might also experience sharp little weird pin pokes, pressure on the crown of your head and so on. You may also have muscle twitches that are involuntary. These are releases of built up, previously blocked energy. All of these experiences are uniquely yours. Experience them openly knowing that you are safe always.

In all cases, you will only experience and see what you are ready to. Your higher self will never throw you in the deep end of the pool just to see if you sink. In some cases, you may even experience visions or a sense of reliving scenes from a past life. Just allow it to come and breathe through it. Crying and intense emotion are not at all unusual. This is a great release as these are things held on to for such a long time, even from lifetime to lifetime. When personally translated, they are also often found to have a direct correlation to the current life and often allow for healing in the present tense.

How do you use this technique to keep you healthy?

In our modern society, the body to spirit connection is often overlooked. To be truly healthy, it’s a two-sided coin. You can eat all the right foods and work out, taking all the supplements in the world, but if you aren’t spiritually healthy it’s not complete. This works in reverse as well. You can meditate until the cows come home, but if you never use your body physically, it will soon soften and deteriorate. Balance is key in all things, but especially so in health.

By cleansing and unclogging your spirit (through the establishment of connection) you are opening up the channel from the physical self to the higher self for better, more open, communication and a more complete YOU. This allows a flow of energy, which is incredibly healing. Think of meditation as spiritual Drano.

Automatic writing is another tremendously useful technique that requires only you, a pen or pencil, paper and a little bit of quiet time. Set aside between 15 minutes to an hour. This is sometimes also referred to as Trance Writing because it is directed by spirit or your subconscious. It doesn’t matter what you write. Just start writing. Keep your mind as clear as possible. Anything at all that comes into your head: symbols, words – jot it down and keep writing as fast as you can. Try not to consciously write anything and never correct or rewrite. If you get to a pause, start a new line and write whatever letter comes to your mind first and go from there. This is total free association. Allowing yourself to be receptive during this is key. When you sit down to write state your intent to allow thoughts and feelings to flow. To allow whatever needs to come out to do so at this time. You will be amazed at the words that will spill out on to the page that you were not even aware you had been thinking about. It may take a few times. Be patient with yourself. When you do start getting results, try asking a question before starting. There are no hard and fast rules. This is about as free flowing as it gets! For an additional twist, try doing this exercise with your less dominant hand (if you are right-handed, use your left or if you are left-handed use your right hand).

For something a little more directed, another very interesting audio course I discovered is “Overcoming Self Sabotage” by Debbie Ford. Debbie Ford, the creator of The Shadow Process, is an internationally recognized expert in the field of personal transformation. A pioneering force in incorporating the study and integration of the shadow into modern psychological and spiritual practices, Debbie’s work is based on the core belief that outer transformation occurs when we experience an internal shift in perception.

This course can be found online at .

If you are not moving steadily in the direction of what you say you want, you can be certain that you are sabotaging yourself somewhere. In this on-line course from #1 New York Times best-selling author Debbie Ford, you will learn 14 key lessons to help you overcome self-sabotage.

As we come to understand the mechanisms and patterns that underlie self-sabotage, we begin to free ourselves. We begin to allow ourselves to interact with ourselves and the world with greater success, joy, and fulfillment. Overcoming self-sabotage and finding the wisdom inside the wounds you’ve endured is one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have with yourself. Honor it and know that it will change your life.

This 8 week course contains powerful lessons every 4 days that includes specific information about how to overcome different aspects of self-sabotage, a new audio guided meditation each lesson to help you directly access your innate wisdom, and tangible action steps to help you take the steps in order to release the past and step into a new level of consciousness.


Overcoming Self Sabotage

Taking Inventory of Your Biggest Life Lessons

Breaking Through Toxic Emotions

Discovering Your Unmet Needs

Breaking the Trance of Denial

Maybe You’re Just Hurt

Uncovering Unconscious Patterns

Feeling Safe in the Face of Fear

The Destruction of Hidden Rage

Are Your Excuses Keeping You Stuck?

The Gifts of Standing in Your Power

The Sacred State of Surrender

Making Peace with Your Pain

Healing the Split Between Ego and Spirit

This is indeed a transformational course. I never considered myself to be particularly self-sabotaging, nor did I think after much of the self-awareness trainings I had done I had much left to uncover.

Looking back I see how naive I was. Through the 8 weeks of this course, I uncovered things I had no idea I was still mad about (or indeed had ever actually been mad about in the first place), frustrated over or deeply saddened because of going all the way back to age 4. It helped me not only uncover these issues, but see how they translated into the way I viewed and related to the world, as well as ultimately heal them for me.

Along the road of self-awareness and discovery, there will always be those who declare themselves Masters or Guru’s in their chosen fields. You can, of course, gain much knowledge from some of them and it is wonderful to have someone as a guide. However, be assured there is nothing that they are doing that you, yourself, are not able to do with practice and time. There is no need to feel intimidated by their accomplishments. We are all special and we are all connected. We never need to measure our lives by any other – all paths are unique and not one is better than another. By being open you take the first step.

There is never any need to judge your life or gains by anyone else’s standards as we are all on our own track.

Trust in the Universe that you are loved, supported and always in the right place where you need to be at that current time. You, my dear human, are the most perfect version of you that you have ever been. Right here, right now, and you are getting better and better every day. The sooner you realize and believe this, the sooner you will be back to health.

Stay Tuned for Part 3!
This was originally published as an ebook but as I felt this was very important for people to hear I am blogging it for free.

Cancer – Taking Back Your Power | Part 1

“You have cancer”… This has to be among the most dreaded phrases in the English language.

A diagnosis of cancer is something you always think of as happening to someone else, but what if it did happen to you? 
What would you do?
How would you react?
What happens now?
Questions race through your mind.

The room starts to spin and you now are no longer hearing or are even capable of listening to anything the doctor is telling you, as your thoughts turn inward in shock.
Why me?
How did this happen?

Your world feels very surrealistic; everything you knew seems to be fading away and you want to run screaming.
Your loved ones are there, trying to comfort you, but they don’t understand. Not really. After all, it’s not them that just got this death sentence handed down. Fear and sadness wash over you as the uncertainty of what is to come starts to settle in and feel a little more tangible.

You tune back in as you hear the word chemotherapy.
“I’m sorry, what?” you say, trying to pull yourself back into reality and focus on what you are being told.

You now are faced with a choice. A choice in what you choose to believe. A choice in what you think, feel and will experience from here on out. You have always had this choice, though maybe you were not aware of it.

Your current reality is an echo, a reflection of past choices, beliefs and actions. These thought patterns and life choices have gotten you to where you are today. But far more important is the looming question “Where will you be tomorrow?” This is likely the most important question you will ever ask yourself.

Where do I want to be tomorrow?

Society has trained us to believe that we, the patient, are powerless over cancer, and our bodies in general and healing can only take place through modern medicine and with complete trust in your medical doctor. Nothing could be further from the truth.
These human bodies are miraculous marvellous electrical machines and you, my dear fellow human being, are the heart and soul of the operation. You are in charge of every living cell. You are a symphony of electrical impulse and ever-changing, ever regenerating life. It is now time for you to pick up that baton and conduct!

Doctors can act as facilitators, pointing you in the right direction and acting as guides (given that you have a good, knowledgeable and noble doctor who cares more about your health than medical politics). The field of Psychoneuroimmunology is the study of how the mind affects the body. “Psycho” refers to your thinking, emotions and mood states. “Neuro” refers to the neurological and neuroendocrine systems in your body. “Immunology” refers to your cellular structures and immune system. A good doctor will understand this connection and take it into consideration and work with you on healing the whole you…. but, when it comes down to it, the only person who can actually heal you, who can cure your cancer, is you.

That will have been a scary statement for many of you. If your choice is to live… to thrive… and to become whole and healthy again, it’s one you must accept, believe, and dedicate your self completely too.

Norman Cousins, Former Editor of the Saturday Review of Literature once said “The ancient idea that attitudes play a vital part in the recovery process is finding systematic verification in current medical research. There is little doubt about the fact that fear is a great accelerator of disease. Conversely, hope, faith, confidence and the will to live set an auspicious stage for efforts toward recovery.”

Taking back your power is the single most tremendously important step towards health. You must make a conscious decision that you are healthy. Not that you will be healthy, as the future never comes. We live in the present and it must be stated in the present tense.

The body regenerates itself on a cellular level constantly. You are, in fact, creating your own body with your thoughts along with the food you eat and the water you consume.

The way we think and speak is powerful. 
“I AM not feeling well”, “I AM afraid.” “I have cancer.” And so on.
Our system is constantly producing new cells and trying its best to rejuvenate itself conforming to your commands.
The cells take in your energy and thoughts and that can create a sick state of being. On top of it we are stating it in the highest vibrational form possible by using the words “I AM”. We believe that we are ill; when in truth it is our body trying to communicate with us, to make us aware that something is wrong. That part of our thinking, and sometimes our actions as well, need to change.

Cancer is not a disease of the body. It is a disease of the mind and spirit that manifests itself physically in the body. It did not originate from sunblock, the food you ate, the air you breathed in, or any outside source. Though many of these things certainly are antagonizing and contributing factors.

There have been documented cases that prove this mind-body connection. Some are so dramatic that they are hard to ignore. Some of the most dramatic have been cases where someone housing multiple personalities, where one of which has severe food allergies or insulin-dependent diabetes, who when expressing another personality exhibits none of these physical problems.

One study conducted by Steven Greer was reported in several sources, such as “The Type C Connection” by Lydia Temoshok and Henry Dreher. He interviewed women three months after they had mastectomies and divided them into four groups according to their psychological coping style:
(1) those with a “fighting spirit” who accepted the diagnosis, adopted an optimistic attitude, sought information and were determined to fight the disease
(2) the “positive avoiders” who either rejected the diagnosis or minimized its seriousness
(3) the “stoics” who accepted the diagnosis but did not seek further information and adopted a fatalistic attitude
(4) the “helpless and hopeless” whose lives were preoccupied with cancer and dying.

At the end of five years, only 20% of the “helpless and hopeless” group were alive and disease free. This compared with 32% of the “stoics”, 70% of the “positive avoiders” and a full 80% of the “fighting spirit” group. A 10-year follow-up indicated that a “fighting spirit” was still significantly associated with a better prognosis.

All cancers are caused by excess stress in some form and misaligned or blocked thinking and energy, whether it is conscious or subconscious. To truly be cured, the root cause must be released and irradiating. It is not the answer. 

Well… You may think to yourself, “That sounds simple enough. Stop stressing out.
Seriously? I have just been told I have cancer, how on earth am I supposed to stop stressing out?
Lord, this is a stupid blog…”

Just hang in there, I promise to get to the how.

We have established that you are in charge of yourself and your health. We have established that only you have the power to heal yourself. Many of us have become vastly disconnected from our own higher self, and even distanced from how we really feel here in our physical form.

Feelings were intended to be our own internal guidance system. When one is in tune with their feelings, it seems only natural to act on and trust your intuition or inner voice that we all have without question. I know from personal experience that when I choose not to listen to that inner direction, almost always without fail, it leads me to trouble.

Our modern society puts so much value and pressure on conforming to a societal standard of what is considered to be “normal”, where feeling down, depressed, frustrated or mad and exhibiting emotions are no longer considered acceptable, it seems we are not allowing ourselves to really feel or process our emotions any longer.

Dr. Ronald Dworkin tells the story of a woman who didn’t like the way her husband was handling the family finances. She was very stressed out and wanted to start keeping the books herself but didn’t want to insult her husband. The doctor suggested she try an antidepressant to make herself feel better. She took the antidepressant, and she did feel better, said Dr. Dworkin, a Maryland anesthesiologist and senior fellow at Washington’s Hudson Institute, who told the story in his book “Artificial Unhappiness: The Dark Side of the New Happy Class.” In the meantime, Dworkin says, the woman’s husband led the family into financial ruin. “Doctors are now medicating unhappiness,” said Dworkin. “Too many people take drugs when they really need to be making changes in their lives.”

If you watch TV at all these days you have undoubtedly seen the numerous drug commercials for this pill and that, touting that they will cure your depression while showing you pictures of happy, successful, healthy looking men and women dancing, playing golf and spending time with their beautiful children. If you turn the sound off, these ads seem miraculous! Just pop this pill and your world will be exactly as you wish! You will feel wonderful and all will be well!

Yet we tell our children “Drugs are bad, Don’t do drugs.” – quite the hypocritical society we live in these days. Of course, if you turn the volume back up what you hear is a terrifying list of side effects far worse in many cases than the original condition, up to and including a risk of suicidal thoughts and even death.
How exactly is that better than depression?

It is health and emotional care strategies like these that encourage us to stifle our emotions, blocking your true wisdom and the true I AM presence of the self. Medication absolutely can make you feel better temporarily. I am not disputing that. The problem is that it is simply a delaying tactic. The feelings do not actually go anywhere and you will have to deal with them at some point in one form or another… and trust me, as hard as it is to feel some of them, it is far better to sit with your feelings, feel them, acknowledge them for what they are, release them and be done with it.

Think of it in terms of a time in your life when you have been mad at someone. If you choose not to say anything and not to confront them and talk it out, what happens? It festers. You think about it over and over, imagining what you might say, what they might say, getting yourself more and more riled up till you explode in a far bigger expression than it ever needed to be in the first place. It never “just goes away.”

It is stifling of emotions – which in their own form become toxic, which cause stress and in turn makes you sick, sometimes manifesting itself in the form of cancer among a whole host of other ailments.

By medicating with prescription drugs or self-medicating with street drugs or alcohol for that matter, you also open yourself up to the possibility of a whole host of side physical effects ranging from mildly uncomfortable and temporary to debilitating and permanent, up to and including death. Not to mention the “side effects” they may have on your mental and emotional states as well as your relationships with other people. It is not easy from the outside to deal with someone who is inebriated – be it on pills (prescription or otherwise) or alcohol when in excess. Damage can be done and relationships may suffer, further hampering a healthy recovery.

The goal of life really IS to feel good, and live in the now but it cannot be done artificially and still produce real lasting and healthy results.

Stay tuned for part 2!
*This was originally released in ebook form but I strongly feel this information needs to be heard more quickly so I am publishing here free of charge.

Good vs. Evil – The Truth Can Set Us FREE! FREE VIEWING TODAY

Just a quick reminder that the game-changing FREE docu-series, “GMOs Revealed” starts today…

Here’s where you can free instant access.

Go Here Now for Your First Video

If you’ve been watching my emails over the past week, you KNOW how critical this situation is…

Because the food we used to eat as kids is VASTLY different from the food we’re eating now.

You know it. I know it. Heck, we can even taste it. Our fruits, veggies, and meats just don’t have the mixture of delicious flavors like they used to.

Why? Because the GMO conglomerate is chemically manipulating what we eat. And it’s not only turning our food into a bland, unappetizing mush…

…it’s virtually KILLING us from the inside out.

But we can do something about it–starting today.

Part One of GMOs Revealed is Available Now

You deserve to know the truth. And your children deserve a better future…

It’s time to pull the curtain back and reveal this jaw-dropping, billion-dollar scam once and for all.

Who’s with me?

Dr. Coldwell Book Release! Pre-Order NOW! “The Only Answer to The Only Cancer Patient Cure”

Dr. Leonard Coldwell’s long awaited “The Only Answer to The Only Cancer Patient Cure” is now ready for release!

“Pre-Order Now – expect delivery by September 15th, 2017”

Go to to sign up!

Cancer isn’t an illness

Cancer is not even an illness, it’s a symptom.

You are toxic and a tumor is your body’s attempt to keep you alive. Many people have so many toxins in their systems that it could kill you, so the body builds a bubble (or encapsulation) in order to keep you safe (a tumor).

This is why needle biopsies, mammograms or other invasive “life saving” diagnostic techniques are dangerous. They can potentially release what your body is trying to keep you safe from. You will often hear after a biopsy or a surgery “Oh it was a fast growing cancer” – (what they wont say is that it spread because of their actions).

Scans such as thermography are far better…. Ladies I know we are reaching the age of being told “You need a mammogram” = Just say NO!

Treat your body well. Keep your Ph in check and do detoxifications.. even if you do already have a diagnosis of cancer….
Chemo is not therapy. It is a poison…. You cannot heal yourself with poison.

Don’t declare war on yourself or on cancer….. work WITH Your body to heal.

(((( steps off soap box now)))) for the full body 21 day BePure Cleanse.

I do it yearly!

*This is not an offer of medical advice but common sense that you aren’t getting in most places these days! Think for yourself and be well!

Is the milk you are drinking damaging your health?

Got Milk?
We are all familiar with the infamous ad campaign featuring adorable kids and celebrities wearing milk mustaches and touting the benefits of milk, but is drinking milk actually healthy for you?

While RAW and Organic milks may offer some benefits, conventional store bought factory farmed leaves a lot to be desired and may actually be damaging your body.

Low fat milk in particular has been promoted as a low calorie drink full of calcium. The USDA actually recommends drinking 3 glasses a day. The problem with that theory is that the calcium in cows milk is barely absorbable by humans and actually depletes calcium supplies in the bones having the opposite of the desired effect and adding to the likelihood of osteoporosis induced fractures in the later years of life.

Amy Lanou Ph.D., nutrition director for the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine in Washington, D.C., states that:
“The countries with the highest rates of osteoporosis are the ones where people drink the most milk and have the most calcium in their diets. The connection between calcium consumption and bone health is actually very weak, and the connection between dairy consumption and bone health is almost nonexistent.”
A far better way to keep your bones strong and build bone health is by consuming foods not only rich in calcium but also rich in collagen.

As far as the low fat part of the equation goes yes it is lower in fat. It is not however lower in sugar (lactose) ringing in at around 14g per glass. At the recommended 3 glasses a day you are consuming 42g of sugar just from the milk you are drinking. Your body needs the fat in order to assimilate the Vitamin D. Without it, you are not processing that properly either.

Today’s milk is pasteurized and homogenized. This removes bacteria and viruses but also removes much of the nutrition. This heat processing of the milk can lead to a long list of digestive issues. Added to this milking cows are now often given antibiotics and may also be injected with rBGH (a growth hormone)to increase production. It has been linked to cancer in milk drinkers as well as accelerated growth in children.

Additional effects drinking conventional cows milk may cause:
Lactose intolerance
Elevated risk for cancers
Elevated risk for MS
Increased inflammation
Possible increased cholesterol levels
*Interestingly – Fermented milk products like cheese, sour cream and yogurt do not have the same dangers.

Milk has become a staple food item for many Americans. It is not easy for many to think of giving it up but there are some wonderful replacements on the market today that are far healthier for you. – Rice Milk, Hemp Milk, and Almond Milk – are all good substitutes. (*Steer clear of Soy. Most of the soy crops are GMO and soy boosts estrogen levels abnormally).

Don’t be fooled my slick ad campaigns. Do your own research and next time someone asks “Got milk?” you can smile and say “No”.


Debunking The Milk Myth: Why Milk Is Bad For You And Your Bones

12 Frightening Facts About Milk

Originally Published:

Love of Truth – Born of Lies

Some of you over the years who are close to me may have heard this story. Now that it’s in the past – It is a colorful story….. Wasn’t so fun to go through at the time….. A little insight as to why I am the way I am….

Young, in love and stupid – I got married at 18.

Pete was in the Air Force at the time. Our relationship was tumultuous. It was good or bad and not much in between. A lot of the time there was misunderstanding, half-truths and full on secrets. Much of the time I felt like I was losing my mind because life would make no sense with him.

Growing up in Vermont with parents who were both very open honest people and in a town where values and morals were a basis for life I had never experienced anyone who lied compulsively and therefore took everyone for honest. I was naive to say the least.

The lies started before we were even married. While I was still in Vermont, he was stationed in California. He told me that he was being deployed to Somalia. Being the loving caring girlfriend that I was, I was worried sick. He would call when he could and my heart would jump into my throat when the phone would ring. Then one call, he said he had been shot and was being sent home. I was both sick to my stomach and relived that he was alive and going back to the USA.

When I graduated from High School, I moved to CA to be with him. We were married shortly after. At first things were wonderful, as they usually are in the very beginning of a relationship. Then strange little things began to pop up and life began making less and less sense.

He wasn’t like anyone else I had ever been around. He was evasive, secretive, moody, explosive, non-sensical and sometimes just plain weird. I loved him though and I wanted it to work. I tried to bend and compromise. Things would go through fluctuations – good for a while, then more fighting.

After two years of this in two states (we had moved from CA back to VT after he received a dishonorable discharge from the Air Force which stemmed from an innate inability to tell the truth to his superior officers even when faced head on with the facts). I was ready to leave. I had had enough. His mind games had him hiding bills from me charged on my credit cards without permission, writing checks we didn’t have money for and telling me he had told me things he hadn’t in an effort to make me think I was losing my memory – and I did believe that for a while.

Though we lived in the same house out of financial necessity for the time being, I was more than ready to walk out and call it quits.

Right around this time he became ill. Upon going to the hospital they told him that his stomach issues could be Crones Disease or possibly stomach cancer. Right inline with his nature of solitude he said he did not wish for me to go to the doctor with him. I respected that as we were not getting along very well and I know when I am sick, I really just prefer to be left alone.

The diagnosis, he said, was cancer.  Stomach cancer – and a rare form of it at that.

I felt my world drop right out from under me in that instant. Though I didn’t much like Peter at this time anymore, I of course still loved him. He was my husband.

Fear gripped my heart and I couldn’t breathe. Not just at the thought of him dying but at the thought that I was now stuck. I couldn’t simply walk away and leave him now. Not like this. He wasn’t a strong soul to start with and this, all alone, would be too much for him. I have some blank spots in my memory from this time. It was a lot for a girl of 20 to deal with, the distinct possibility of becoming a widow before I was even allowed to drink legally.

He did not have health insurance at the time, though I did through work. Thankfully he said they were accepting him in to a study. It was an experimental treatment sponsored by Onyx Pharmaceuticals, a prestigious drug company.

I was thankful for this and for the fact that he would be able to get help.

Resigned to this new, really screwed up reality, I backed off on the divorce and decided for the sake of his health to try again to make things work.

He became more and more frail, dropping from a pretty well built 185 or so down to around 130… a shell of what he was – physically as well as emotionally and mentally. He was very hard to deal with. Sick daily, I felt terrible for him. I tried everything I could to make him feel better. Shoving away any of my own needs and life in the process.

After all, how could I ever leave a dying man? What kind of monster does that?

We moved to Florida for three reasons: to be closer to his father, to do the Onyx Pharmaceutical Sponsored treatments and in hopes that the warm weather and sun would make him (and me) feel better. It did for a while. We loved Florida. The problem is, wherever you go – there you are. Our fighting followed us, increasing over time to the point we really didn’t like to be in the same room.

The treatments were horrible and really hard on him. He would describe the tubes inserted down his throat and into his stomach for the chemotherapy and would come home and be incredibly sick for hours on end. It looked excruciating. He never wanted me to go with him or around him right afterwards and I respected that. Being that sick I felt If it was me I likely would not want anyone seeing me that way either. So I gave him his space as much as I could with it.

Living in a new place I wanted to venture out. I needed friends besides Peter. It didn’t take me too long to find them. Pete also had found a girlfriend. I was actually thankful for her… anything to keep him occupied at that point and us apart was good. Her and I got along quite well and as things began to escalate between Peter and I in so far as fighting she ultimately was my savoir.

I tried to invite Pete into my new circle of friends, but he wouldn’t leave the house and wanted nothing to do with them. He wanted me to sit and wallow and waste away with him and I just wouldn’t/couldn’t do it anymore.

I stopped home one day to get something and there he was again, in the bathroom throwing up… which of course the natural reaction is to go in, and help and do what you can to make them feel better.

The negativity emanating from him was palpable… He wasn’t simply physically sick, he was clearly emotionally and mentally ill. Grasping at me like a life raft. Something inside of me just snapped.

I stood there looking at this man. A man I once loved with all of my heart and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. That man was not there anymore. I’m not sure that man was ever real to begin with. In his place was a sad, weak, tortured soul who was sucking the very life out of me. It was like I was seeing through the layers to the pure simple truth of what was.

The only words I could manage to squeeze out of my lips were

“I love you Pete………and I’m so sorry…. I can’t stay any longer”.

We stared at one another for what seemed an eternity in silence. He looked at me like I had just stuck a sword through his heart.

I was about to do the one thing I swore I never would. Leave a dying man. I felt horrible. I knew though that if I choose to stay it wasn’t going to be just him experiencing a death. I was dying inside watching on the sidelines, helpless in all of this.

I had no idea when the words popped out of my mouth where I thought I was going. I just knew that I couldn’t stay. Having moved very recently I didn’t know hardly anyone. Lisa, his girlfriend, let me stay with her till I could afford my own apartment. I will forever be grateful to her for that.

When I left, he became suicidal. He had gone through with an attempt once before a year or so prior, so I knew he likely wasn’t just trying to get attention. I also knew that despite my natural urge to want to help, this time it couldn’t come from me.

Lisa tried to go over to the apartment to talk to him, but he had a loaded gun and with his mental state she didn’t feel safe in staying with him. In trying to decide what to do we didn’t want to call the police because that frankly would not help anything. We decided to try and call his doctor.

This is when the real fun began.

I called the hospital where he had been going for treatment and asked to speak with his doctor. I got bounced around from station to station only to be finally told that there was no doctor by that name that worked with their hospital. I was totally confused. I was sure there was some kind of mistake as he had been going now for well over a year. The only other thing I could think to do was call Onyx Pharmaceuticals directly and see if they could help me work out who I needed to talk to.

So in looking up the number for Onyx Pharmaceuticals I called and spoke with someone there. They had of course heard of and knew his doctor. I breathed a sigh of relief that finally something was making sense.

That feeling was fleeting.

The next words out of the receptionist’s mouth changed everything. 

She said “I am sorry, but that doctor is a PhD in our research department not an M.D…. he doesn’t treat patients directly and he is not located in Florida.”……….

My whole body went numb and I swear the room began to spin.

“Can you please look up my husband’s name?” I asked, “He has been participating in your study.”

She agreed and I held my breath as she clicked away on the keyboard.

“No, I’m sorry. He is not on our list of patients”.


And there I had it.
There was no doctor.
There was no study.
There were no treatments.
There was no cancer.


2 Years of my life had been a completely fabricated lie.


He may not have been dying of cancer, but at that point I was ready to kill him myself. It is the single most hurt and most angry I have ever been at another human being in my entire life. I had ignored my feelings and my intuition for far to long, pushing down how I felt in favor of helping him…..
Reaching my boiling point and finally listening to my own higher self and following my intuition, finally – it had lead me to the painful truth.


He had lied to keep me with him.


I had spent 2 years of my life going against everything I felt in my heart in order to try and save him- both physically and emotionally.


The problem is – you cannot save anyone, especially from themselves.


The days, months and years after that came and went. Life changed for the better for the both of us. He was now forced to live in truth and make amends to everyone he had hurt with his lies.

The count was numerous – friends, family, even his father who had watched his mother wither away and die of cancer. To me that was the most unforgivable of all. To make his dad, a kind hearted loving man, who lost the love of his life to cancer believe that his son was now suffering the same fate. Cruel.


Karma stepped in years later. Peter ended up being the sole care provider for his dad, whom he loved, as he also died of cancer.


Peter and I, over time, made amends and were able to bridge a friendship based on the fact that he was getting help and making progress on his mental illness, which had now been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

People were always shocked that I was able to speak to him, let alone be friends after what had happened. I believe in forgiveness. I did my best to forgive him for what he had done.


That was until recent years. Over the years  (our relationship and friendship had spanned over 20) every time he needed me as a friend I was there. Every time. Even loaning him multiple thousands of dollars when his father died as the will was stuck in probate. The one and only time I ever asked him for anything, he put off answering me for 6 days, despite being able to see his check in statuses online – going out to dinner with friends and such, until I finally just lost it and wrote him a email telling him what a bad friend he was being. His reaction was to delete and block me and stop talking to me entirely. Over one well deserved email… an email……………. After what he put me though.

I was furious and I have not spoken to him since.

In a very interesting turn of events his new girlfriend contacted me on Facebook asking me what had happened for Peter and I to break up.

Such a huge question…….. I asked was she really sure that she wanted to hear the whole story? She said she needed to.


She was dumbfounded. Not because it was outlandish, but because she now knew she wasn’t going crazy. His behavior patterns with me were duplicating themselves again with her. She was appalled at the cancer story.


Not three days later I get a message from her “You will not believe this…”
I responded back only to find out that after hearing what happened with us she sat him down and was trying to confront him on some of his bullshit, and what did he say?

You guessed it.
Once again…. He was diagnosed and dying of cancer….

Only THIS time, the reaction wasn’t “Oh poor Pete!”

It was “I talked to Sarah……………………………………”

I’m quite sure when she uttered those words he likely just about shit himself.


When she told me this I felt all the old buried rage and emotion I thought I had forgiven come bubbling back to the surface.

HOW could he think he was going to pull that crap again?!

I sat down and as calmly and focused as I could, wrote him a letter….


Dear Pete,

So… Where shall I begin?

I hear you are dying of fake cancer once again.

I’m so sorry, I know those fake treatments are a bitch to take.

So as you know by now, your girlfriend was lucky enough to talk to me before you tried to pull your bullshit scam once again.

Talk about timing… God is real Peter.

Not he nor I will allow you to do this to another group of people again.

You can call me “lying bitch” as you had so eloquently called me if you like, I prefer the term Karmic helper myself.

I cannot believe I was so stupid to believe you had changed.

To forgive you after what you did to me.

You are still on same circling karmic wheel unable to face yourself and jump off.

Truth, for whatever reason, scares the shit out of you.

For someone who has aligned himself so closely with a church to be living such a lie, I cannot even imagine how out of synch you must feel on a daily basis.

You are being a gigantic hypocrite and a coward.

Standing is the light MEANS speaking your truth, however painful.

NOT covering and lying to protect status quo that isn’t even anything more than illusion in the first place.

Will you ever dare to be yourself?

Under all of this layered bullshit I KNOW there IS a good man in there, but that really makes no difference because that guy? Isn’t seeing the light of day.

YOU wont allow him to.

You have two little kids who NEED a father they can look up to.

Not some enigma of a man who tells half-truths and stories hiding in the shadows because life is too tough.

I went on pure instinct when I stopped talking to you.

Year after year I helped you whenever you needed it for what, 20+ years?

The one and only time I ever have asked you for anything – you couldn’t even call me back………for 6 days!

You couldn’t take 5 minutes to pick up a phone and talk to me.

It wasn’t the money Pete. It was the fact that you could not get out of your own way enough to give a shit about the one person who stood by you through everything and despite everything.

You fucked up my world. You wasted years of my life living lie after lie.

I will not watch you do that again to other people.

Don’t doubt me.

Straighten your shit out…. Or expect to see me.




She said when he read it; he closed the laptop, stood up quietly and locked himself in the bedroom for 3 days. So far as I know, he has not pursued telling people that story again.


He did message me once after that looking for someone he trusted to talk to.

My only response was “you have to be kidding me…”

I know that everything happens as it should and for a reason. I learned a lot very young because of this relationship. I was also very deeply wounded because of it and am on some levels, even now all these years later,  still healing.

Trust, lies, love, truth vs. illusion, motivations, secrets, fear, death, life – all wrapped up into one big fucked up ball.


(Oh and to clarify one of the first paragraphs in this story? – Turns out he was never stationed in Somalia and never shot.)


But incase anyone ever wondered why I am such a staunch supporter of speaking and living in your truth…. There you have it.

















Sarah Radio Interview Replay & Health Suggestions

In case you missed the show on Sunday August 17th for the Dr. Leonard Coldlwell Opinion Radio Show, here is the link for the replay.

What I personally did to change by body, heal myself and change my life:

  1. I had started the Body for Life program for weight loss

There is of course more information and the “Challenge” you can enter on the site. *I do not recommend using their shakes. They have artificial sweeteners in them. I would use Intek Nutrition.(which is sweetened with Stevia.)

And Nutracore nutrition’s Amino Active (to replace the Betagen/Phosagen from Body for life)

What you do daily during Body For Life:

Wake up – drink 1 large glass of water.
Before going to work out – 1 Protein Shake and 1 Amino Active.

Post work out – 1 Amino Active.

Breakfast – Equal amounts of protein/carbs

Snack (like 10 am) – piece of fruit

Mid day – Shake

Lunch – Equal amounts protein/carbs/vege or salad (any size)

Later in the day – Snack – veggies or protein

Dinner – Equal amounts protein/carbs/vege or salad (any size)

Evening (IF you are hungry) ½ shake.

What you do:
work out at whatever level you are at for 30 min cardio and 30 min weight bearing exercise. IF you are using weights…. Reps are done starting with the max weight you are comfortable with (complete 10-20 reps) Then go down 5-10 lbs in increments and complete more reps, and repeat at 5-10 lbs less weight. (so it gets easier as you get more tired).

NOW along with this – which is shedding fat (which holds the toxins) and keeping the muscle (amino acids suppress the break down and protein helps build new muscle). *I still ate meat. I had no clue about GMO’s (not sure if that was in the food supply at the time or not), I didn’t do organic (though doing this now I would).
SUNDAY is the free day. do and eat whatever you please! keeps you from feeling like you are restricted.


1. Start a RAW diet – go completely raw for 30 days (or more)

2. Do a full body cellular detoxification BePure is the best one I have found and I have tried a ton.

3.  Skin Brushing

4. Caster Oil Packs

5. Drink as much water as you can. Aim for a gallon a day. *add a pinch of pink salt for minerals.

6. – Kidney/Gallbladder cleanse –

7. – Regular chiropractic care and massage

8. – Periodic water fasts 24-36 hrs.

9. –  I think this was the most important – I saw myself as healthy and well….
I originally published this as a book but it wasn’t getting out fast enough – have her read this 3 part blog CANCER – TAKING YOUR POWER BACK

10. – I also decided to have as much fun as possible and to no longer do anything that didn’t feel right or make me happy. This included relationships, friends, jobs everything. If I didn’t like it – I would quit! Or tell you to take a hike! I was no longer living my life trying to make someone else happy, because in the end you cant MAKE anyone anything – other than yourself of course… So I chose happy. The result of that is that happy IS healthy.
*If I were to do this today: I would also: use essential oils – They are anti tumorigenic by nature:

11. Sandalwood, Lavender, and  Frankincense Essential Oils actually can correct DNA mutations. Oils can be used topically, by inhallation, or internally (in water or capsule so long as the purity is good. I personally will only take Doterra and or Young Livings oils).

12. Do Oil pulling – daily when you wake up.

13. Supplement your diet as needed with vitamins. I get most of mine from Health Center for Better Living.







Aspartame – A Severe Metabolic Poison

What? That can’t be right, you are likely thinking.

It is.

The methanol in aspartame affects the dopamine system of the brain causing addiction. Methanol, or wood alcohol, is classified as a severe metabolic poison.

Aspartame is a dipeptide molecule produced by joining phenylalanine and aspartic acid. Aspartame itself does not occur naturally but is a manufactured substance. When aspartame is consumed, it is completely broken down by the enzymes in the digestive system into the two amino acids and a type of alcohol called methanol.

What that means:

These have high abuse potential and severe psychological and/or physical dependence liability.

Yet the public has been  encouraged to drink it because it has been marketed as a health product.

According to independent doctors and researchers, aspartame can cause a range of symptoms including but not limited to:


Memory Loss

Vision Loss





Worse, it cam mimic symptoms of diseases like MS, Lupus, ADD, Diabetes, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s.

It can be dangerous to take with medications, has reactive properties when combined with MSG (mono sodium glutamate) which is found in tons of packaged foods, and will induce cravings for carbohydrates which often leads to weight gain.

So much for the myths of diet and or healthy!

 *Best Advice: Never touch a food with aspartame in it again.

*Alternate Advice: If you don’t feel ready to give up diet drinks or foods but are having any of these symptoms try a 60-day aspartame free test and see how much your health improves.



Originally published on Natural News Blogs